Sunday, July 06, 2008

Just in case

I've done the math and crunched the numbers and there is a 99.99% chance that I will die. There are outliers such as Rapture or the remote possibilities that I will be bitten by a vampire and made immortal or gain immortality through other methods, but none of these seem likely. I've also concluded that there is a 97% chance that I will die in such a manner as a funeral is required. I suppose I could die in a zombie horde, alien invasion, or nuclear holocaust and that would prevent me from receiving a proper funeral, I think, but the odds of that are not too high. So, while I don't plan on dying anytime soon, I believe it makes sense to plan my funeral. After all, it will be my last chance to really affect things on Earth, so I want to do it right.

First off, I've been to a few funerals. They are usually sad and somber and mostly all the same. This is very anti-llama. I try to bring joy and chaos and confusion to the world, none of which is really accomplished at your typical funeral. Therefore, a typical funeral won't do at all. I'll have to specially plan one.

The visitation- The visitation is one of the more important parts of the funeral. Its where everyone hangs out and gets together. Its the most exciting portion of the funeral really, but its usually rather boring for children. Its rarely someone they know and standing around for an hour, being solemn is no fun. What we need is a way to entertain kids, raise money for charity, and make people go "What the Shock is wrong with this picture." I've talked with my roommate (ex-roommate) and he has agreed to run the "Poke a Dead Guy with a Stick" booth.

The plan is simple. Two pokes for a dollar is what people will be charged. We'll probably go with some blunt poking devices because I'd be really icky if I was actually punctured. I think a pool stick would work great, or maybe a nice long actual stick. All the proceeds will go to "LLamas for Lima" and will go to spreading happiness and llama joy. I also want to have some TV's brought in and playing kids movies off to the side somewhere. Movies playing will be Princess Bride, Emperor's New Groove, and Disney's Robin Hood. That should last the entire visitation. If it doesn't then we can always replay the movies. Also, lets have some decent snacks and beverages there. Root beer, lots of root beer.

The actual funeral I want done in much the same way. No more poking a dead guy with a stick because that would be rude to whoever is hosting my eulogy, but I do want snacks and drinks and movies playing off to the side for kids and anyone who "has to watch the kids" rather than hear someone talk about me. I suppose, I'd want a eulogy of humorous stuff, if people have any particularly funny stories about me that they'd like to share, or amusing quotes or pictures or something.

As for the burial, there's not much that can be done there. Although, if the technology is there, I'd love for the classic Mario sound of Mario going down a warp pipe to be played whenever I'm actually lowered in.

Oh, one major thing, before I forget, and if nothing else of this planning is pulled off (because none of it probably will be) I DO NOT WANT SOME STUPID EXPENSIVE METAL COFFIN!! I am not willing to spend 3000 dollars in luxuries on myself in life, why, oh why would you think I'd want it done for me in death. I would be most pleased if someone were to get a nice cardboard box and lay me inside, but I do more spent on snack trays and soda than I do on a casket.

As for the preacher, I don't have anyone in mind, but maybe I could just have "story time" instead. That'd be nice. Oh, and I want to be wearing the trademark black cloth mask whenever I'm buried. Oh, and shorts and a T-shirt. Don't dress me up in some nice suit that I would never wear while my blood pump worked. That's disrespectful.

I realize that this is rather morbid and probably anyone reading this is disturbed, but keep in mind that I don't actually see anyone fulfilling any of these requests, nor do I intend on needing this plan to be activated soon.

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5 Comments:

At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, I wonder how often the "funeral" label will be used.

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

My dad wants to be propped him up in a chair instead of lying in a coffin. He wants that chair to be set behind a pressure sensitive mat. When someone steps up to him to pay their respects, the pressure switch goes on, turning on a recording of him. What will actually be on this recording is, as yet, undisclosed.

I'm all for it!
My mom, not so much....

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Alarra said...

That would be rather creepy, Shadow.

I like your funeral plans, sir llama. Now....why are you thinking of your death now, anyway?

*initiates plan to increase liklihood of llama achieving immortality to 1.7%*...hey...it's a start. and don't ask..it's top secret.

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger The Llama said...

Mostly, Alarra, because I was at my grandpa's funeral and realized that was not what I wanted mine to be like. I also realize that I should apparently make a slideshow of pictures ahead of time. The family managed to bicker about the video they had of Grandpa's photos. "1/2 of those pictures had (Grandkid A) in them, but only one picture had my kid." Sigh.

Shadow, that sounds awesome!

Mr. Turtle, I don't know, but it seemed like a good idea to me.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Trog said...

You definitely look lie you're putting the fun into funeral. At least for the kids. Though I might pony up (llama up?) a couple of charity bucks for poke a dead guy with a stick. =P

If I go I'd like to be cremated and have a Buddhist funeral. Which I have gone to once for a teacher of mine and I found it a very moving and surprisingly calming experience.

His last lesson to teach me was in death. That all things are one and that we never really come and go we just inter-are with everything all the time... we just are too caught up in our singular perspective to be able to see it clearly.

Namaste.

 

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