I've done the math and crunched the numbers and there is a 99.99% chance that I will die. There are outliers such as Rapture or the remote possibilities that I will be bitten by a vampire and made immortal or gain immortality through other methods, but none of these seem likely. I've also concluded that there is a 97% chance that I will die in such a manner as a funeral is required. I suppose I could die in a zombie horde, alien invasion, or nuclear holocaust and that would prevent me from receiving a proper funeral, I think, but the odds of that are not too high. So, while I don't plan on dying anytime soon, I believe it makes sense to plan my funeral. After all, it will be my last chance to really affect things on Earth, so I want to do it right.
First off, I've been to a few funerals. They are usually sad and somber and mostly all the same. This is very anti-llama. I try to bring joy and chaos and confusion to the world, none of which is really accomplished at your typical funeral. Therefore, a typical funeral won't do at all. I'll have to specially plan one.
The visitation- The visitation is one of the more important parts of the funeral. Its where everyone hangs out and gets together. Its the most exciting portion of the funeral really, but its usually rather boring for children. Its rarely someone they know and standing around for an hour, being solemn is no fun. What we need is a way to entertain kids, raise money for charity, and make people go "What the Shock is wrong with this picture." I've talked with my roommate (ex-roommate) and he has agreed to run the "Poke a Dead Guy with a Stick" booth.
The plan is simple. Two pokes for a dollar is what people will be charged. We'll probably go with some blunt poking devices because I'd be really icky if I was actually punctured. I think a pool stick would work great, or maybe a nice long actual stick. All the proceeds will go to
"LLamas for Lima" 
and will go to spreading happiness and llama joy. I also want to have some TV's brought in and playing kids movies off to the side somewhere. Movies playing will be Princess Bride, Emperor's New Groove, and Disney's Robin Hood. That should last the entire visitation. If it doesn't then we can always replay the movies. Also, lets have some decent snacks and beverages there. Root beer, lots of root beer.
The actual funeral I want done in much the same way. No more poking a dead guy with a stick because that would be rude to whoever is hosting my eulogy, but I do want snacks and drinks and movies playing off to the side for kids and anyone who "has to watch the kids" rather than hear someone talk about me. I suppose, I'd want a eulogy of humorous stuff, if people have any particularly funny stories about me that they'd like to share, or amusing quotes or pictures or something.
As for the burial, there's not much that can be done there. Although, if the technology is there, I'd love for the classic Mario sound of Mario going down a warp pipe to be played whenever I'm actually lowered in.
Oh, one major thing, before I forget, and if nothing else of this planning is pulled off (because none of it probably will be) I DO NOT WANT SOME STUPID EXPENSIVE METAL COFFIN!! I am not willing to spend 3000 dollars in luxuries on myself in life, why, oh why would you think I'd want it done for me in death. I would be most pleased if someone were to get a nice cardboard box and lay me inside, but I do more spent on snack trays and soda than I do on a casket.
As for the preacher, I don't have anyone in mind, but maybe I could just have "story time" instead. That'd be nice. Oh, and I want to be wearing the trademark black cloth mask whenever I'm buried. Oh, and shorts and a T-shirt. Don't dress me up in some nice suit that I would never wear while my blood pump worked. That's disrespectful.
I realize that this is rather morbid and probably anyone reading this is disturbed, but keep in mind that I don't actually see anyone fulfilling any of these requests, nor do I intend on needing this plan to be activated soon.
Labels: funeral
